


Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Celebrities

by WolfyWordWeaver



Series: Supermodel At My Door [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Celebrity Crush, F/M, First Meetings, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, M/M, Revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22394140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfyWordWeaver/pseuds/WolfyWordWeaver
Summary: Humiliated and dejected after a breakup, Remus Lupin decides to send a joking comment on his celebrity crush's Instagram post asking for help to TP his ex's house. The answer he receives is NOT what he was expecting.
Relationships: Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, Remus Lupin/Lucius Malfoy, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Supermodel At My Door [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623907
Comments: 32
Kudos: 259





	Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Celebrities

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Tumblr users @writing-and-nutmeg for the prompt and @felicja-j for picking this story to post.  
> XOXOXO

"Look, why don't you get off that stupid Instagram and go out with me and Frank?"

"No," Remus mumbled as he continued scrolling through his feed. 

"REMUS."

"Nooooooo," he groaned before covering his eyes with his arm. "I don't want to see him."

Alice's sigh indicated that her not-very-longsuffering attitude wasn't going to last much longer. "You can't keep letting him get to you like this! Lucius is just winning every time you refuse to step out of this house!"

He peeked slightly under his arm. "Alice, he announced his engagement a _week_ after we broke up. A WEEK! I'll never be able to look anyone in the eye again." With that he promptly dropped his arm back over his eyes.

"Dammit, you are a full grown man!" Alice ranted as she grabbed him by a foot and tried to drag him off the couch. 

"A scorned and unloved man!" Remus cried as he grabbed a hold of the arm of the couch to keep himself from being dragged off.

"Babe, what the hell are you doing?" a surprised but calm Frank asked as he stepped in from the garage.

"We need to drag his sorry ass out of here!" she demanded ferociously. "He can't keep hiding here because Lucius is a cheating bastard! Lucius should be ashamed, not Remus!"

"Please, Frank," Remus begged. "Get her off."

The brunette sighed heavily. "Alice, we can't _force_ Remus to do anything. If he wants to be a sad sob then so be it."

"Some friend," Remus grumbled before Alice finally let go of his foot in a huff. "I'm not a sad sob, Frank. A humiliated heifer maybe."

Frank leveled a look at him and he buried his face back into his Instagram feed. Supermodel Sirius Black had a rather fun montage of his adventures at TPing his best friend's house.

"You just can't keep avoiding him forever," Alice huffed.

"It won't be forever," he responded with a sniff. "Just until he gets promoted out of the department."

Alice was literally banging her head against a door post. "REMUS JOHN LUPIN."

Even Frank was shaking his head. "Maybe you should try to get a promotion yourself, Remus."

"Pfft, I'm just a coder. There's nowhere to promote but to manager and that would still be in the department and an impossibility as long as Lucius is our manager. No thanks."

"It's your life," Frank replied with another shrug.

His fingers were typing out a stupid comment. **LOL, you're the best. Want to help me TP my ex's house? Since you have so much experience in this, haha.**

"Fine," Alice sighed as she turned to her husband. "Watch your rom-coms and be a depressed loser tonight. I'm going to force you out for drinks next time, though." She gave him a stern glare and wagged her finger menacingly. "Not even Frank will hold me back."

"Okay," he mumbled, finally glad to be rid of her.

When the door closed and he watched their car drive off, Remus finally let out a long sigh. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate Alice's concern for him - he did - but he just couldn't stop feeling utterly humiliated and if he saw Lucius at the party tonight he just knew he would make a fool of himself. He'd probably fall on his knees and beg for the blonde-haired Adonis to take him back and that would be even more regrettable than his outburst of tears when Lucius announced his engagement at the office.

"I'm so pathetic," he mumbled to himself, clicking on Sirius Black's page. 

It was a strange habit that he had gotten into, flipping through the man's page whenever he needed some cheering up. Unlike a lot of celebrities, the man's larger-than-life personality seemed to be bubbling up with honest fun as if he didn't have the need to put on appearances for anyone. He made silly faces for his selfies, didn't make a big announcement or "coming out" when he dated the movie star Gilderoy Lockheart for a few months, and he was more likely to post videos of himself and his friend James Potter or Peter Pettigrew throwing chips at each other than he was to show off the stunning view from his expensive lodgings in the Bahamas while on a shoot. Laid back, confident, funny, and hot as hell...Remus sighed. Perfect people did exist. Just not near him.

Deciding that coconut milk ice cream and gluten free cookie dough was the only way to properly mope while he watched Pride and Prejudice, Remus fell back into his usual habits. Self-loathing, self-conscious, and weepy. Why was it impossible for him to get a decent boyfriend?! Why were all the good guys like Frank already married off? Why couldn't Mr. Darcy come knocking at his door asking for his hand? Not seeing the point in staying up to marinate in his misery, Remus rolled off the couch and padded over to his bed as he got a notification of a new post by Sirius Black. It showed him madly dashing into a grocery store and stacking his arms with egg cartons while Peter was laughing in the background. 

**ON A MISSION** was the only information provided in the description and Remus cracked a smile. Maybe TPing James' house hadn't been enough and he was going for the more memorable egging. Clicking a "like" on the post, he flipped his phone face down and then collapsed into bed. 

**

A loud and rapid knocking on his door jerked Remus out of his sleep and he groaned in annoyance. Alice was probably drunk and determined to drag him across town to the new gay bar in an attempt to "show Lucius that he wasn't hurt". But he was hurt and Lucius knew it already, so it was pointless. He tried to ignore the knocking for a minute but decided that he didn't want neighbors calling the cops on him if she got any more rowdy.

"I'm coming!" he yelled as he stumbled out of bed still in his pajama bottoms and his worn Queen t-shirt. He continued to mutter as he shuffled to the door, even more knocking making him more annoyed. He jerked the door open. "What the fuck, Alice! I told-" 

The words died on his lips as his eyes adjusted and saw a very NOT Alice person standing in his door. This person was wearing dark sweats, a dark hoodie, and sunglasses. At 11pm. His mouth went dry thinking that he was about to get robbed before the grinning lips curved into a frown and beautiful grey eyes peeked over the sunglasses that slid down his nose.

"You're not dressed yet," the man stated matter-of-factly.

"Uh, what?" Remus responded eloquently as his brain happily supplied a very impossible observation to him. Sirius Black was most definitely NOT standing at his front door. This was not a famous man. This was...someone else. Who was probably at the wrong house.

"I messaged you," the man said easily before a very familiar grin curled on his lips. "On Instagram. Come on, hurry and get dressed!"

Waltzing into the house, he grabbed Remus by the elbow and dragged him along until he found the bedroom where he proceeded to go through Remus' drawers to dig out clothes. Feeling like he must still be dreaming, Remus grabbed his phone and opened up his messages to see that he had a request for 1 message. Clicking it, he felt all the blood drain from his face.

"Here, these will do," the decidedly real Sirius Black commanded. "I'm going to raid your pantry for more eggs and toilet paper and I'll meet you at the front door, okay?"

"O-okay," he responded breathlessly.

The front door slammed open and another recognizable voice rang out. "For fuck's sake, Sirius! You can't just barge into strange people's houses!"

"Shut up, James, and help me with the toilet paper!"

"Sweet Merlin, who has this much toilet paper stocked?!"

Remus turned red as he stepped out of his bedroom in the dark jeans and the black Pink Floyd t-shirt. "I, uh, have a Costco card. You kind of have to buy bulk there."

Sirius clicked his tongue as he pointed to Remus. "See? Totally sensible, James."

"Maybe you should get one too," James huffed as he headed out the door with the 36 count package. "It would save us a bit of cash from your pranking exploits."

Sirius grinned as he saw Remus shuffling his feet nervously. "All right, love, you'll have to give us directions to your ex's house. Need anything else?"

"Uh, nope." 

Tucking his phone into his pocket and wondering if this was reality or still a dream, he followed behind Sirius and securely locked his house before sliding into the crowded car. 

"Hello," Peter greeted from the driver's seat. "I sincerely apologize for this. Sirius is mental."

"Hey!" Sirius cried from his spot squeezed between Remus and a pile of even more toilet paper and cartons of eggs. "This is for a good cause!"

"How...how did you know where I lived?" Remus whimpered.

"Oh, that's so easy," James laughed. 

"Why have a PR agent with connections if he can't do something as simple as hunt someone down from Instagram," Sirius snorted before lowering his sunglasses enough to look over them again with those mesmerizing grey eyes. "Let's get this fucker good, okay?"

"Um, okay. And thanks?"

Smooshed against the side of a supermodel was not something that Remus ever thought he would be privy to and as he gave the directions to Lucius' house he couldn't help but take note. Sirius was tall and slender, but his legs were muscular and not bony at all. He also had broad shoulders that looked great even in the fleece hoodie. His hair, dark as ink, smelled _delicious_ and it took all of Remus' self control to not bury his face into it and just take it in. Another thing that was easily noticeable was that Sirius was just as relaxed and silly in person as he was on his Instagram account. It helped Remus to relax in this surreal situation.

"Here, take a selfie with me!" Sirius laughed as he put his arm around Remus. "We've got to get the tp and the eggs in the back." So they twisted around until Remus was practically in his lap and took the selfie, Remus' face a bright red and Sirius with his gorgeous grin. 

"Alright lads," James muttered as they turned off the headlights and slowly rolled down the street. "Pete and I'll start on the tp with that tree there while you blokes get the eggs. Go for the cars and stuff first, but be careful not to hit them too hard or the alarms will go off. We've got to be fucking quick, yeah?"

"Okay!" Sirius cheered, squeezing Remus' shoulders. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Remus grinned, finally feeling the excitement bubbling up. 

As soon as the vehicle was put in park, the four men jumped out and began their mischief. Remus gasped as Sirius shamelessly launched a few eggs on the Audi in the driveway before giggling quietly and throwing his own eggs. The large tree in the front yard was probably over a hundred years old and Remus almost felt ashamed for assaulting it with so much toilet paper. Especially as it was still summer and he knew that the sprinkler system would be going off in a few hours. 

"Take this, you cheating bastard!" Sirius whispered excitedly as he threw an egg against the garage door.

"Wait, I have an idea!" Remus whispered as he tugged on Sirius' sleeve.

Sirius' grin widened as he listened and soon they were lining up eggs to fill up every inch of walkway from the front door to the garage, in front of the garage, around the car, and as far down the driveway as they could until they ran out of eggs.

"Get the forks too!" James whispered harshly across the yard as he tried to throw his roll high enough to reach the top of the tree.

"We're going to fork him too?" Remus giggled and Sirius nodded as he sprinted to the back of the car. It popped open as Peter clicked the fob for them and they dug through the stuff to find a tote bag filled to the brim with disposable forks. "You do this often?" he teased and Sirius winked at him. 

"Often enough."

By the time they were driving off, Remus was quite impressed with how much damage could be wrought in one short hour. 

"He's going to be so mad," Remus laughed. The other three were laughing breathlessly and it was completely contagious. "You guys are so crazy!"

"Serves him right!" Sirius huffed as he poked Remus' side. "Anyone who breaks up with you is completely off his rocker."

This brought a bright blush to Remus' cheeks again. "H-how did you know?"

James turned from his seat to look back at them. "It wasn't hard to figure out. You wanting to tp his house, I mean. Also, it was pretty obvious on your Insta. You had him tagged in a photo of the two of you on a date and only a couple of days later he had posted a photo of his engagement? Wanker."

"You looked me up?" he squeaked in embarrassment thinking of all the decidedly uncool things he had posted on his Instagram page. It didn't even look cohesive or anything.

"Of course!" Sirius responded as he texted something. "Hey, what's your number? I want to text you these photos. You'll have to give me an email for the video, though. It's too long for a text."

"Uh, okay." He shared his contact information with Sirius who promptly texted him a slew of photos from their night. He hadn't even noticed Sirius taking half of those!

"There, that's all of them!" Sirius quirped happily. "Wanna get a shake or something before going home? I'm still a bit jittery from the adrenaline."

Remus wanted to cry. He would have gladly accepted the consequences of drinking dairy regardless of his lactose intolerance but he had run out of medicine and had to sit through at least two meetings the next day. Later in the day, rather.

"Er, I'm actually lactose intolerant," he grumbled. "B-but you all can grab some! I'll just...get a water or something."

"Nonesense!" Sirius declared loudly. "This is California! There's got to be a dairy-free shake place!"

After a disappointing initial search, Sirius demanded that they go to his place and have his personal chef whip up some dairy free shakes for them. 

"You don't have to," Remus tried but was quickly shushed by James.

"Nonsense! We can't let this night end without victory!"

"Victory with a shake in your belly!" Sirius whooped. He pulled the sunglasses off and shot Remus with his most charming grin. "You don't mind coming to my place, do you?"

"Not at all!"

"Good! Do you want anything else to eat? Benjy's already gotten started."

"N-no, I think that'll be fine."

"Have him make me some chips!" James chirped.

"Fish and chips!" Peter yelled. "Just like from home! Greasy!"

"So fucking British," Sirius grumbled with a smile as he typed away. "Come on, Remus, if you want anything just let me know. He can make anything."

"How about...pancakes? With chocolate chips?"

Sirius perked up and typed even more excitedly. "Remus, you're brilliant! It's totally a pancake night!"

And that was how Remus found himself playing Mario Cart in the ritzy living space of a mansion at 2am with three strangers and a stack of pancakes next to his giant glass of dairy-free chocolate shake.

**

"Sorry for getting you to work late," Sirius muttered softly as he grasped Remus' wrist before the man stepped out of the blacked out car. "Here, take this cash for a taxi home."

Remus sat back down and grinned. "I can pay for an Uber, Sirius, so don't worry about it. Thanks for last night. It was..." he blushed just thinking about how surreal it had all seemed. "It was amazing. I think that I can safely get over my horrid ex now."

That brought a smile to the other man's lips. "I'm glad that it helped."

They both sat staring at each other for a few seconds and Remus felt his stomach clench when he saw Sirius bite down on his lower lip. It was stupid, really, but what the hell? What were the chances of a supermodel seeing a comment from a random stranger and accepting the call to toilet paper an ex's house? Obviously good enough for Remus, so this couldn't be that much crazier.

"Let me pay you back?" he squeezed through his nervous throat. 

Sirius looked straight at his lips and nodded and Remus couldn't help the quiet moan before he leaned forward and pressed their lips together. It was electric, and Remus couldn't help but sink his hands into that silky hair as they deepened the kiss. He shuddered as he felt hands clutch at the back of his shirt and felt the vibrations of Sirius' moan. The driver coughed a little, making Remus pull away in embarrassment. Sirius laughed shakily and tucked some hair behind his ear.

"Have a nice day, Remus," he stated with a soft wave.

"Thanks again, and...uh, bye."

Remus turned and ran up the steps to his office. It was stupid. It's not like they would ever just happen to cross paths again. He wouldn't be seeing Sirius again.

"What the heck happened to you?" Alice asked in shock as Remus stumbled into the office. 

He blushed pretty deeply knowing that coming in crumpled clothes that looked like he went clubbing last night combined with the bags under his eyes and his swollen lips - it was all completely out of the norm for his usual demure self. 

"Uh, rough night?" he tried sheepishly.

"Tell me!!!!" she squealed as he desperately tried to shush her. Heads were turning and he didn't want to die of embarrassment, so he dragged her into his cubicle.

"For the love of Mary!" he hissed at her when they were shielded from everyone else. "Lower your voice!"

"Frank is not going to believe this!" she giggled as she whipped out her phone and snapped a picture of him before texting it to her husband. 

"Come on!"

"This is too good, Remus."

"You're impossible."

"Sooooo," she teased with waggling eyebrows. "What happened last night?"

"I just...uh, just decided to go out. Like you suggested. Had a late night." At her raised eyebrows he quickly shook his head. "No! I did not sleep with anyone!" 

Passing out on the couch and in the arms of a celebrity did not count. At all. Because they were completely dressed, dammit!

"Guys!" Marlene cried excitedly to the open floor. "Lucius just emailed me about why he's late and you've _got_ to see this!!!"

All twelve members of their team rushed into her office and squeezed behind the secretary as she pulled up the photos. Laughter erupted and Remus bushed as he saw the disaster that had been discovered. It was definitely worse in the morning after a good sprinkler soak and the California morning sun warming things up. 

"Whoever did that has balls!" Gideon laughed.

"Who do you think he pissed off this time?" Fabian asked with his own snickers. 

"Maybe Narcissa finally got tired of getting messages from his other girlfriends and boyfriends," Marlene laughed. "That guy has no shame."

For the first time since their breakup, Remus didn't have the urge to curl up in a ball and cry. He just laughed, shook his head, and then proceeded back to his desk so that he could get to work. His phone chirped with a message and when he pulled it up a smile lit up on his face. The most beautiful face in the world was giving him the duck lips and a friendly "v" with a caption on the picture.

**Till next time. <3**


End file.
